The Unspoken Hesitation
Aching boobs but too scared to do a self check
Here are a couple of statistics I made myself read at 5:15am this morning…
Breast Cancer UK estimates that around 30% of breast cancer cases in the UK can be prevented by making lifestyle changes.
The number of women (45 and over) with breast cancers detected from mammography screening decreased from 17,771 in 2019-20 to 10,813 in 2020-21.
Have you ever been woken up by the feeling of aching boobs? Anyone?
We’re surrounded by stories or strength, resilience and unwavering courage of those who have faced the battle against cancer, it’s perplexing to consider the very human reluctance many of us harbour.
Hands up if you can resonate with this feeling? As I sit here writing my Substack, at the age of 49, it strikes me as absurd and bewildering that I remain timid, almost fearful, of something so critical - self examination for breast cancer.
Don’t ask me why, but all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about breast cancer. To the point it’s been keeping me awake at night. My levels of oestrogen have increased, thanks to more daily pumps of HRT gel, so I know this can have a dramatic effect of how my boobs feel and look. But still, the aching boob gives me an icky feeling. Almost like I want to disown them. Ignoring that they are actually attached to my body and the aching I feel is just normal and will go away.
It’s a poignant paradox; a group of good friends teeming with shared experiences of hope and healing, yet I find myself hesitant to extend the same compassion and vigilance towards my own wellbeing. This reluctance and fear of having breast cancer is a question that echoes in my thoughts, in a time when the importance of early detection is so deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness. Why do I remain apprehensive about performing a task that could potentially save my life?
The reality is that breast cancer is a presence that looms large in our lives, affecting not only those who are diagnosed but also everyone who knows someone touched by this disease. It’s a presence that should motivate me to be proactive about my health, to conduct regular self examinations and to foster a sense of empowerment. Yet the fear persists. I’m going to journal about this fear. Maybe I’ll be able to explore the root of the feeling and take some steps to overcoming it.
Have you felt similar to me about these feelings of fearing breast cancer? Have you felt reluctant to do a self examination because you dread finding a lump? It’s ok to own up to it. You are not alone. For one, I am here writing about this actual state of mind. How ridiculous and absurd some of you will be thinking as you read my words. Please be gentle. I guess some of us are very good at compartmentalising emotions and feelings especially when it comes to the Big C!
I know if I feel like this there will so many other women who share the same worries and concerns. It’s not the easiest of topics to write publicly about, but it’s a really important topic. Whilst I was walking along the coast with the ridgebacks earlier, I took a photo of an empty bench silhouetted against the clouds with a silver lining and I thought about Deborah James. The fact that I have her book “How To Live When You Could Be Dead” on my shelf. I’ve not yet read it. Maybe I should. Because if ever there was a message about making breast examination a priority, it’s there in black and white in her bright and bold memoir.
I look forward to reading your comments, don’t be shy, we need to check our boobs and writing about my fear of doing it has been quite a cathartic experience. I hope it helps you come to realise that really there isn’t anything to fear about self examination, but avoidance, that is the worst thing you could do.
Until the next time
Take care & stay safe xx
Thanks for writing so honestly about this Tanya. It’s so counterintuitive but I also avoid doing breast checks, because I’m too scared of what I’ll find. It makes no logical sense! I think it must be a common thing. Loads of people avoid the doctors for similar reasons. Journaling about it sounds like a good idea, I hope it helps.
I kept feeling like I had it a few months back... I was still feeding Luna and my hormones were all over the place and I would sometimes convince myself I had it (my mum and grandma both did) and work through what I’d do, what we’d all do with me being the bread winner - the sense of responsibility I feel to never get sick is overwhelming and very lonely in the darkness. Thanks for writing this piece! ✨