In Limbo
Navigating the waiting game
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This morning, I find myself again caught in the familiar grip of the waiting game. Having just dropped off my third urine sample to my local GP surgery, I’m plunged back into the uncertainty and apprehension that accompanies the wait for the health test results. The lovely receptionist suggested the previous two samples may have been unusable due to the age of the sample. “Surely not” I replied. This left me feeling a little puzzled and frustrated. As I walked back to my car, I kept wondering how could this be? Here’s the thing… the previous two samples were taken at the surgery. Bizarre! Nevertheless, I cling to the hope that my third attempt will prove to be the one, even if it means I have to start the waiting game all over again.
I’m not the most patient of patients. Each passing moment leaves me on tenterhooks, my mind swirling with worries and what-ifs about what the test results may reveal. I’d be fine normally, but I’ve had a persistent tummy pain that has plagued me for over 18 months, which only adds to the weight of the anticipation. It’s quite remarkable how my mind can selectively blur the details of such discomfort, the busyness of my day and all the usual distractions helps my pain some how fade away.
Which I know isn’t cool. Not very adult of me. I should know better. Especially now that I work alongside many health practitioners and cancer patients, I’m all too aware of symptoms that should be checked out and taken seriously.
Thank goodness for my journal - a faithful confidant where I regularly record every essential detail of my movements and feelings before the detail slips from my memory.
It’s in the pages of my journal, where I find solace and structure amidst the uncertainty surrounding my health. Each day I track how I feel, what I eat, how much water I’ve drank and the quality of my sleep. And of course, there’s all the details about the scale of my pain. Today, it registers at a manageable level of 1, prompting a silent sigh of relief.
I’m confident that I track well. Daily without fail. It’s a wellbeing activity that is now a non-negotiable part of my day. Yet throughout the waiting and the worrying, I find myself grappling with the age old question…
How does one be patient in the face of such uncertainty?
How does one find peace in the midst of waiting for potentially life-altering news?
How does one simmer down the inner critic and the hypochondriac? And perhaps most importantly, how does one rationalise the notion that no news may indeed be good news?
I’ve escaped to my local library for the morning, where I’ll try and do some work, mooch amongst the books and navigate these questions alone. I just have to remind myself of the power of patience, resilience and the unwavering hope that carries one through the darkest of times. What about you? Are you a patient patient? Do you manage to wait with ease?
Until the next time
Take care and stay safe. xx
It’s massively challenging. I reason myself by thinking that in most cases good outcome is as likely as a negative one and there’s no reason to focus on the 50% risk rather than the 50% luck. Training the brain is healthy too so I see it as an opportunity to learn. Life is made so much more challenging by drama of what might get not happen. It’s not our fault we’re built for expecting difficulties that’s how we survived as a species. And it ain’t gonna be erased in a few thousand years…
All will be well. X
Oh man, Tanya, I can relate! In 2022 myself and my husband endured a horrific 9 week wait for potentially life altering health-related news. I got through it with a combination of journaling, like yourself, exercise, daily gratitude lists, and having something, however small, to look forward to each day. I kept myself very busy. What struck me is that there was no lesson to be learned in that wait. I'm in the middle of waits for two more non-health reasons at the moment, and I haven't become any more patient! I find I just have to take a deep breath and do the above rituals, taking things one day at a time. I hope you receive a good news result and some relief soon, and in the meantime, time among books, in nature or with a fur-friend always makes me feel calmer.