A Tangle Of Emotions

My feelings before my friend's funeral today

NOTE TO SELF: ‘Today, hug a loved one, a little tighter, for a little while longer’

I made a promise to myself, that I’d write on Substack, every single day since my 49th birthday, come what may . Today is a tough writing day, because I write with a heavy heart. One of my dear friends, Helen passed away a few weeks ago, from pancreatic cancer. She was 52.

As I prepare to attend the funeral, I’m not sure how to explain these mixed emotions. The thought of saying farewell to such a vibrant woman fills me with dread. How could someone so dear, so brave, so undeniably beautiful both inside and out be taken away from her doting hubby, two young children, dearest family and friends by the relentless and cruel disease that is CANCER.

This was one woman’s journey that ended way too soon.

She had so many adventures ahead of her, so many stories to share, but in the end, so little a life lived.

Helen was a midlife woman ON A MISSION! I loved everything about her!

I wish I could have had one more conversation with her.

Selfishly, I wanted to be with her, to sit and hold her hand.

I wanted to tell her how brave she was. Just to be there, sit in silence whilst she slept, be present with her when she woke up, watch the clouds go by whilst we day dreamed through her bedroom window. But she was too tired and weak in her remaining few weeks and days. I like many of her friends, prayed for a miracle cure. Knowing there was going to be no cure, no happy ending.

If there were two words I’d use to describe Helen, it would be STRENGTH + RESILIENCE. She was a warrior woman who knew exactly what she wanted out of life. I admired that about her. And boy did she know what she didn’t want!

Oh we used to giggle and put the worlds to right. Always over a cheeky glass of fizz.

Missing a friend who has passed away is way too difficult to put into words.

I was hoping to write more, but all I feel are waves of emotions.

Right now I have a really nauseous feeling in my tummy. There is no chance of me having cake for breakfast or lunch today, like I did yesterday. Helen would say, it would be rude to waste homemade birthday cake! (My dad always used to tell me to eat pudding before dinner, because you never know when you’re going to go)

So if in doubt… Eat more cake!

Cake eating plans aside. I’m sad, and the last thing I want to do is spread sad vibes. So I’ll press on with the day.

I’m glad I managed to show up here on Substack today.

I wanted to write an honest account of how I’m feeling. Reaching out to connect with you today has helped me process these emotions, so thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.

As a last thought before I sign off…

Funerals - why do I dread them so much? Is it because I haven’t attended many? I guess they mean many different things to so many different people. How do you cope at funerals?

For me, I feel a funeral can be a bittersweet reminder of our own mortality.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to make more sense of today.

For some reason the words ‘Carpe Diem’ keep popping into my thoughts, but I don’t think today is going to be one of those ‘positive mental attitude days’.

I know one thing, I’m going to strive to live my life with a bit more authenticity this year, just like Helen did, it was one of her superpowers.

Until the next time

Take care & stay safe xxx